you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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