why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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