Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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