Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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