Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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