I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
