Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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