i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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