i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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