9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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