She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
