i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
