Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just googled if crying burns calories
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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