We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
