You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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