When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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