Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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