I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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