I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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