Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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