I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
