I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
