I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
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Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
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Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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