After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
it glows. i had to have it.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
