I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
only if we run a train.
done.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I think I sprained my soul last night
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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