I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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