I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
