Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
