Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
