i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
