my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
