yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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