Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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