her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
one might say we're banned from that church
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
