What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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