some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
