I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
