i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
