Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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