I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize
