im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
