At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
