It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
