Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
