Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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