Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
