seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
