Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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