Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
