So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
