She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
