My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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