I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Randomize
