11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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