You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
