If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
