She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
