Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
