So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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