Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
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Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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